Important safety tip numbers 2 through 11

I’m going to start this with an apology.  I usually don’t care too much whether people get upset with my thoughts or opinions, but I believe I owe an advance apology on this one. 

I, like most working folk, have a commute to make each day.   Mine’s not all that bad; maybe 25 miles or so one way and most of it is pretty easy.  At least it was until the earth changed direction or the ozone layer finally gave up or something happened and people lost their everlovin’ minds.  So as a courtesy to the rest of the driving world, I’ve compiled a short list of  Important Safety Tips for driving here (or anywhere else for that matter).

First:  If you’re being passed on the right side of your car (that’s the side you shouldn’t be sitting on if you’re the one driving) by the majority of other traffic (even Subaru’s), GET THE HELL OUT OF THE LEFT LANE!  I really don’t care that you’re going to turn left in 26.4 miles.  If you drive the road every day and are paying attention to the world around you, you KNOW where the turn is and how long you have until you get there!

Second: If you can’t handle driving in ice, snow, or darkness, MOVE TO FLIPPIN’ FLORIDA!  It’s cold, dark, icy, slippery, and snowy here for 9 months of the year.  Learn to drive in it or leave.  Yer gonna kill someone.  Drive like it’s frozen all the time and you won’t be surprised come August when it freezes again.

Third:  If your piece of junk Hooptiemobile won’t do the speed limit, park it.  Fix the lights so I can see you coming, turn signals are not optional equipment, and, by the way, the red lights in back?  They burn out too.  Go check ’em every now & then.

Fourth: I hope you don’t have sex like you park, you’ll never get it in.

Fifth:  If you’re not handicapped, don’t use the blue spaces.  If you are, don’t use the yellow or white ones.  If you’re gonna give me grief about parking in a handicapped spot, I’ll give you grief for not doing so. 

Sixth: It’s one hell of a lot easier for you to stop your 150 pound body than it is for me to stop my 6000 pound truck on icy pavement in a cramped parking lot.  Don’t step out in front of me, even if I’m only at 5 MPH.  You’re gonna lose that battle.

Seventh: If you’re coming up to an ON RAMP and there is traffic coming into the highway, move the hell over if you can.  Then move back, either behind me or in front, I don’t care, but DO NOT sit off my left rear fender in my blind spot for miles, slowing down or speeding up to stay there when I do so. Either pass me or realize you’re a nimrod and pull back in.  Makes me crazy and I get grumpy.  Oh, yeah, if you’re coming into the highway and there are cars in BOTH lanes, guess who has to YIELD?  It ain’t us on the highway, moron, I have nowhere to go.

Eighth:  I have no idea who in the unbelievably Slow Postal Service (USPS) decreed that mailboxes be installed on the right side of the roadway, but if you’re getting your mail, and it’s dark, and you’re in your car facing oncoming traffic , TURN YOUR DAMN HEADLIGHTS OFF SO I CAN SEE PAST YOU!  Oddly enough, we drive on the right side of the road in America.  That means your headlights actually shine slightly to the left so you don’t blind oncoming drivers.  If you’re on the left side of the road, guess where your headlights are shining.   As an afterthought, you should probably park somewhere safe, put down the doughnut, get out, and walk to the mailbox.  You probably need the exercise.

Ninth: If you’re turning left at an intersection controlled by a traffic light and have to wait for oncoming cars to go through, move out into the intersection so you can turn when it’s clear.  If you’re at a stop sign, stay to the left side of the lane so those of us behind your  non-thinking ass can get around you and make the right turn.

Finally: You make this drive every damn day. You know there are railroad tracks 3 miles ahead of you and that the school bus or tanker truck in front of you has to stop at those tracks.  DO NOT WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE TO TRY TO GET AROUND THEM.  You screwed up by not thinking ahead.  It totally sucks to be you getting stuck there for a minute or two.  I AM NOT going to risk damaging my warm pink body or anyone else’s by slowing down on the highway from 65 to 30 MPH to let you out just because you can’t pay attention. 

I guess the point I’m trying to make here is stupidity should be painful and when you’re stupid and drive at the same time, it probably will be.


2 Responses to “Important safety tip numbers 2 through 11”

  1. 1 Pat Pranitis January 7, 2010 at 8:51 am

    PRICELESS……as I read this blog, I could hear your voice….again, Dave…sorry, Paul, you have missed your calling.

  2. 2 Terri April 11, 2010 at 9:59 pm

    I have to agree with UR mom… U missed UR calling. Theses ALL apply to Bing. too !

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